justification

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Justification


During the 17 years of my life I have continually questioned my religion and values. I have been born and raised by a mother that is deeply religious and upholds strong Christian beliefs in every aspect of her life. I was brought up to believe that the Christian life of repentance and devotion was the only way of life and to deviate from it would be painfully disappointing to her. But to me these beliefs were not enough to justify my role in life; life seemed entirely a test. It seemed that people were forced to act this way, not by choice, but by some sort of fear. Whether it is the fear of what will happen in the life after death or the fear of what a parent may think, I feel the Christian way of life inhibits learning. This is why I chose not to live with such limitations.


In a lifetime there is an infinite amount of experience to gain and through Christianity’s beliefs I can not personally experience all that life has to offer. I realize that life is a learning experience where mistakes are made to move forward in understanding. Life should not be lead with what the fear of imperfection may bring in the afterlife since our rewards may only come from what we reap of life now. Christianity also creates narrow-mindedness because it tells people how to live without letting them experience anything, which prevents them from living their life to the fullest.


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A religious life symbolizes a façade, one that many adopted in following its doctrines, but one must learn how to live instead of being taught.


Every Sunday morning I wake up for church reluctantly, always wanting to stay in bed and sleep rather than primp for an occasion I feel unworthy of my preparation. I was told that in the future I would learn to understand my religion and all my questions would be answered, but it seems as though with every passing Sunday I have a new question in which no one has an explanation. During service I sit quietly in my chair, observing other teenagers writing notes back and forth or pretending to listen with blank stares of their faces. I say every prayer and recite each bible verse, but the words carry no meaning because I have no faith in them. Most of the others around me seem vaguely interested, but the few who are attentive always intrigue me. How could they live life without experiencing everything it has to offer? How could such a life of rules and obligations be enough? For me, church had become a commitment to my mother rather than a time to grow as a Christian.


I recognize that life is not what some questionable higher being has lain out, but is what people make of it. I hope that I will be able to experience as much as I can in life and make my own educated decision on how to live it. If my experiences bring me back to Christianity, then so be it, but that will only be after I have seen the world for what is it instead of through the biased eyes of a life long Christian. I refuse to live my life in fear and regret and will take up any opportunity to learn something new. My life will not be lived by the teachings of others but by the teachings of my everyday experience.





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